It starts within you.

Is this the worst year of my life?

Is this the worst year of my life?

So this question popped up suddenly in my mind today morning while shaving. It’s easy to see why. The subconscious mind nowadays is just filled with bad news, some real but mostly perceived. Everyone is waiting for 2020 to get over, as if the virus also will go for a new year eve’s party and not come back. At a rational level, we all know that the year has nothing to do with what’s going on, but we humans need hope in the finite horizon, and a year is as good a timeframe as any, I guess.

To answer my own question — the answer is NO. For me at least, this is probably not even top 3 in the ranking. And that’s what gives me hope (and some perspective) when I start feeling low. So I will share with you all the story of the worst year of my life (so far — fingers crossed). It is deeply personal, and the only reason I am sharing this is to share my optimism, my belief that “This too shall pass.”

The worst year of my life was 1995, or to be more accurate, from March 1995 to March 1996. This was the period when I was on dialysis because my kidneys had failed. I was 21. The diagnosis had taken place a year back, in June 1994, coincidentally the same day that I was supposed to start from Calcutta (my home then) for Bangalore to join IIM Bangalore for my MBA. I asked my doctor whether I should not go, but my condition was chronic, not acute, which means while the deterioration had started, it would be a while before the kidneys would fail completely and I would need dialysis. So I was given the choice to continue provided I took some medicines, followed a strict diet, and consulted regularly with a doctor in Bangalore. Of course I chose to go ahead.

By March 1995, my kidneys were shutting down and I had to start dialysis. Luckily that was also the end of the first year of the program, so I could take a logical break and go back home. The “plan” was to get the transplant surgery done during the break, and come back in 2–3 months to resume the program — almost as rosy (and completely wrong) a picture as many of us have had about when the virus will go away. :-)

We had thought my mom would donate a kidney (my dad had a different blood group), but on further tests, she was found unsuitable. My elder sister was unmarried, and there could be complications with future pregnancy in case she donated, so that was ruled out. My younger sister was a kid. So no one in family! And then the hunt for a suitable donor began.

Anyways, to cut a very long story short, we finally found a suitable match in December, there were legal formalities and government approvals to be taken that took another 3 months and I finally underwent the transplant on 30th March, 1996, a day I consider my second birthday. :-)

That whole period was tough for many reasons. Obviously, I was not in good health physically for most of the period (by the time of the transplant, I was weighing 43 kg). There were financial worries — just the dialysis cost was R.10,000 per month, not even counting the cost of medicines, frequent tests, tests for donors, etc. I belonged to a very middle class family, so my father had to dip into his savings to finance the situation. There was this constant stress of not knowing when I would find a donor (somehow, it was always a question of “when” in my mind, never “if” :-)). There were ups and downs in the entire family when we would get a promising match, and then the last test would come out unfavorable, or someone would back out. And yes, for me personally, there was this frustration of losing out on my academics (and my chance to start a career) while all my friends were going on with their lives. I must confess that at times I envied them.

But there were good things happening too. I read a ton…really, a ton of books, on a lot of topics. (Remember, this was before internet and mobile :-)). I wrote a lot of letters to my friends and received a lot of letters too (before emails too :-)). Of course, I listened to lot of songs (I guess that’s how I remember so many lyrics). Several family members pitched in with financial help without being asked. In an amazing gesture, my batch mates at IIMB collected funds for me, and even the junior batch, which had not even met me, contributed to it. At the hospital, the head nurse of the nephrology department cancelled her leave so that she could personally take care of my recovery post the surgery. I could go on and on.

(While writing all this, I actually have tears in my eyes — not of pain, but of pure gratitude. When I say I am lucky, I truly mean it).

So, all in all, I hope you will understand when I say this is not the worst year, so far at least, of my life. And probably that’s the case with many of you too. So many of you have had your own struggles and have overcome all odds to be where you are today. While things may look gloomy (the clouds are definitely not helping), just remember — you are made of sterner stuff. This too shall pass!